How to Lose a Guy.

As I stated previously, I am recently relationshipped. When I say “recently,” I mean “just this week.” We’ve been seeing each other/talking/feeling out the situation for a few weeks, and I’ve known him for roughly nine years though I only just “met” him as an adult in the last few months. And very recently, in a fit of what was probably sheer insanity, I said, “Okay, sure, we’ll give this an ‘official’ try.”

There are a few things you have to know about me to understand where this is going. 

Firstly, I fail at relationships. For myriad reasons. I can sabotage a relationship so fast it’ll make your head spin, if you’ll forgive the cliché. Sometimes, I know I’m doing it, and sometimes it’s subconscious, but it's generally bound to happen. I can only think of one relationship that I’ve had where the demise wasn’t mostly my fault (and we are not going there right now). 

Secondly, I am a serial monogamist-turned-commitment phobic. From the time I was sixteen until I was twenty-one, there was a string of unhealthy failed “relationships.” The relationship that ended in 2006 left me devastated and it took a year for me to get back on the horse. Unfortunately, I picked a downright psychotic horse to get back on and seven months later was thankfully back to singledom. 

My last “real” foray into relationship-land ended in mid-2008 (with the exception of a minor foray back into the 2006 relationship that landed me in utter devastation to begin with during the summer of 2009).  I spent the majority of the months between December 2008 and February 2010 hiding behind an unhealthy friends-with-benefits situation, followed by a couple of failed attempts at handling long distance romance. 

There is a lot of “not ready to talk about that yet” here, but those are the basics.

Now, I am actually attempting to have a real, live relationship with a real, live boy, with real, live feelings. And I am completely terrified. The potential for me to totally destroy this kid emotionally is significant. And I can’t discount that possibility because I am apparently really good at screwing people up. And sometimes, I can’t control that ability. It’s like a really horrible, backwards super power. Just call me Heartbreak Girl.

I find myself not ready to really tell people that we are in a relationship. Maybe because it’s too new, maybe because I think it’s doomed to fail. I don’t know. I just find myself using the phrases “just friends” and “I’m not sure yet” when I’ve already told him (and a few others who are close to me/us) that I’m going to try. 

Will my doubts be a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is this the quickest way to lose a guy? I could so use a Magic 8 Ball right now.