Changing.

I’ve been off the charts lately. A lot of things are changing. Rather than stick around for my last week of work, I quit my job. I turned in my uniforms and keys on Sunday night and I refuse to even take calls from anyone I worked with. I was that miserable there.

I leave today to go to Texas. I will be staying with my dad for a while and looking for a job there. I hope to be able to move permanently, but that can only happen if I find employment.

I have other hopes too, but they are silly, fleeting things.

Because life just isn’t fair.

This week is dragging. I’m back at work, for two more weeks. My “supervisor” is back on my nerves and I’m remembering why part of me was so relieved when they finally confirmed that the rumor that we would be closing wasn’t just a rumor (because I’d reached that conclusion and proceeded to have a panic attack and cry my eyes out on my lunch break three days before they actually decided to tell us anything).

My attitude about this whole (un)employment situation keeps changing.

Today, I’m angry. REALLY angry. Because seriously, how fucking lame was it for them to leave us all unemployed TWO DAYS before Christmas when most of those people had children and a lot of them were single parents or the only person in their household working?! I’m single and living on my own and my roommate is already suffering from a work shortage, and now I’m left with no income and living in a rural area where there’s almost no chance that I’ll get another job making as much as I do now. I worked my ass off, went above and beyond the call of duty, for two and a half years, and this is how they repay me? By denying that we would be shutting down until the last possible second and then dropping the bomb on us like fucking Hiroshima? It’s taken a lot for me to even bother finishing out these last couple of weeks (and ultimately, I only decided to so that I could draw unemployment should it be necessary). My initial desire was to stand up and tell them where they could shove my keys and which parts of my anatomy they could kiss while I was on the way out the door. Bastards.

(I should warn you now, I say “fuck” a lot, even when I’m not angry. My use of foul language is really no indication of mood.)

But eventually, I’ll be sad. Because I worked with some of those people for the last three years and they’re people to me – not quite friends, but not just coworkers or employees … people with families and feelings. And I feel bad for them because, unlike me, most of them had other people depending on them.

Then I’ll work my way back around to being relieved. I’ll just be glad to be able to wash my hands of it all and never have to go back to that sinking ship. Because this job has stressed me quite out of my mind, and it’s really not worth it anymore (if it ever was). Maybe without that constant stress, I’ll be able to work my way back to a point where I don’t have to take a pill every day to enable myself to function and not have an anxiety attack in the course of an eight hour work day. Maybe this is one of those “one door closes and another opens” scenarios and I should just be happy because now I’ll have a clean slate to just run with. Because it can’t get much worse, right?

I don’t know. My mind is running rampant. I may have ADD. I should probably get that checked. But I won’t. Because I do not need to have it confirmed that there’s something else wrong with me. Quite screwed up enough without that, thanks.

Fear and blessings.

I’m scared. Scared out of my wits. This is not something I ever admit to readily. And it’s certainly not something I want to admit to right now. Not when my life is in total upheaval. Not when everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong (knock on wood!). I know that I’m supposed to be all about bright sides and silver linings right now, but … it’s hard.

I feel it necessary to point out that my current state of distress is actually admirably low when you consider my myriad anxiety disorders and depression issues (I probably owe this to the meds). But I know it will get worse before it gets better, because despite my best efforts, I am not a “bright side” sort of person. Things are just never that shiny. And I’m afraid of that, too. I’m afraid of sinking into depression or walking around in a constant state of anxiety and not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. Because, sooner or later, maybe I won’t be able to, right?

But then, I close my eyes and take a deep breath (because that’s what they tell you to do, right?). And I remind myself to count my blessings. I can’t pray or “put it all in God’s hands” or anything like that. I’m too much of a control freak and, honestly, not religious enough (a discussion for another time). But I can count my blessings. I can remember every beautiful gift that I’ve been given (or stumbled upon by happenstance).

And right now, I am reminded that, even though life is scary and I may want to just give up, I have three little furbabies who depend on me for safety, comfort, and love.

Libby, Roxas, and Turbo.

Trying Again.

Making another attempt at starting this blog, at saying something meaningful. It’s been almost a year since my last attempt, and perhaps I’ll make some “real” progress in 2010. I make no promises, but I will try (and I say this despite Yoda’s disapproval -- ‘do or do not; there is no try’).

I’m at a turning point right now. In three weeks, I’ll be unemployed for the first time in three years. The company I work for has shut down our facility and laid off nearly seventy employees from this location. I am luckier than most since, due to my position, I get to keep my job for two weeks longer than the majority of the employees. Technically, I don’t even have to work for most of the remainder of my employment. It’s almost like paid vacation, except that unemployment is looming in my future and I don’t even know where to begin with remedying that situation.

Don’t misunderstand me. I do have employment options, but they will pay significantly less than what I’ve grown accustomed to in the last few years, and I barely make it on my current salary. Rural Louisiana is not an employment Mecca in the best of economies, and this is certainly not the best of economies.

I will find a job though, because any job is better than no job at all. And I will hope that my roommate finds a better, steadier job because if/when he does, we will be just fine. Most importantly, I will keep my chin up. I’ll put one foot in front of another, and I will keep moving forward.

I will do the best I can, and when my greatest efforts are not enough, I will be thankful that I have friends and family who will be supportive and help me when I need it. Not everyone is so lucky.

One of my hopes for this blog is that it will enable me to see the silver lining, to focus more on the better things in life.