I did not make a "resolution" for this new year. I set a theme. Truth. I intend for that theme to permeate my thoughts and actions through this year, and hopefully through those that follow as well. I am never as honest as I should be. Especially not with myself. (And yet, I have an oversharing problem! Odd.)
There are a lot of things I want to talk about, but firstly, why have I been MIA so often lately?
The simplest truth is that I was dating two boys. It is more complicated than that, and maybe not as bad as it sounds, but details are messy so I will just leave it simply at that.
I was dating two boys and it was taking a lot of time and effort on my part. Mostly because one of them lives over three hours away. I was tired and I was stressed and I was generally unhappy with the situation. And, of course, they were too. Or one of them was.
But I'm horrible at making decisions. Because OMG, what if I choose the wrong one?! What if this one decision sends my life hurtling into unalterable ruination?! Whatifwhatifwhatif. And so, I prolonged the agony, basically dragging myself and these men through hell. Or at least tormenting us all unnecessarily.
Eventually, we reached a point where I was seeing one of them a lot more than the other. And the one I was seeing most was the one that lived farthest away. And that pretty much said more than words could.
We were spending long weekends together. Holidays. Christmas AND New Year's Eve. He'd met my mom and grandmother. Drove me to the hospital when my grandfather was rushed to the ER with pneumonia. I'd met most of his family. This wasn't casual anymore and there was no point denying it.
And yesterday, Jailbait and I called it quits so that I can freely be with a man who may be just a little more right for me.
He's twenty-six, from South Louisiana, and in the middle of a fairly messy divorce. (Bring on the judgment if you like, but that home was wrecked long before we met. And I still had reservations about even being friends with him because he was married. Wait. Why am I trying to justify this? Yes, I am involved with a married man and that is wrong. I should be punished.) He has a gorgeous smile. I think that's what really got me.
We met at work. One tends to meet a lot of people in the hospitality industry, especially working the hours I was working at the time (seven days a week). I checked him in and was not even particularly nice to him, but the next morning he kept finding excuses to come to the lobby, and then he would find excuses to come talk to me. And in the eight days that he stayed here (he was in town for work), something developed. That was six weeks ago. We've been together at least one day a week since then - usually three or four.
He is not perfect. He is simply a good man. He has a good heart. He has the best intentions. He has not always done the smart thing or the right thing. He has made mistakes. Most importantly, he has learned from them. He has strong hands, blue eyes, and a Cajun accent. He is nothing that I thought I wanted, and maybe exactly what I need.
I am not making predictions, or even wishes. I am not shouting anything from the rooftops (though I may sometimes gush on Twitter). I am simply going with the flow. Que será, será.
But it's an adventure, this not knowing.
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