Fear and blessings.

I’m scared. Scared out of my wits. This is not something I ever admit to readily. And it’s certainly not something I want to admit to right now. Not when my life is in total upheaval. Not when everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong (knock on wood!). I know that I’m supposed to be all about bright sides and silver linings right now, but … it’s hard.

I feel it necessary to point out that my current state of distress is actually admirably low when you consider my myriad anxiety disorders and depression issues (I probably owe this to the meds). But I know it will get worse before it gets better, because despite my best efforts, I am not a “bright side” sort of person. Things are just never that shiny. And I’m afraid of that, too. I’m afraid of sinking into depression or walking around in a constant state of anxiety and not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. Because, sooner or later, maybe I won’t be able to, right?

But then, I close my eyes and take a deep breath (because that’s what they tell you to do, right?). And I remind myself to count my blessings. I can’t pray or “put it all in God’s hands” or anything like that. I’m too much of a control freak and, honestly, not religious enough (a discussion for another time). But I can count my blessings. I can remember every beautiful gift that I’ve been given (or stumbled upon by happenstance).

And right now, I am reminded that, even though life is scary and I may want to just give up, I have three little furbabies who depend on me for safety, comfort, and love.

Libby, Roxas, and Turbo.

Trying Again.

Making another attempt at starting this blog, at saying something meaningful. It’s been almost a year since my last attempt, and perhaps I’ll make some “real” progress in 2010. I make no promises, but I will try (and I say this despite Yoda’s disapproval -- ‘do or do not; there is no try’).

I’m at a turning point right now. In three weeks, I’ll be unemployed for the first time in three years. The company I work for has shut down our facility and laid off nearly seventy employees from this location. I am luckier than most since, due to my position, I get to keep my job for two weeks longer than the majority of the employees. Technically, I don’t even have to work for most of the remainder of my employment. It’s almost like paid vacation, except that unemployment is looming in my future and I don’t even know where to begin with remedying that situation.

Don’t misunderstand me. I do have employment options, but they will pay significantly less than what I’ve grown accustomed to in the last few years, and I barely make it on my current salary. Rural Louisiana is not an employment Mecca in the best of economies, and this is certainly not the best of economies.

I will find a job though, because any job is better than no job at all. And I will hope that my roommate finds a better, steadier job because if/when he does, we will be just fine. Most importantly, I will keep my chin up. I’ll put one foot in front of another, and I will keep moving forward.

I will do the best I can, and when my greatest efforts are not enough, I will be thankful that I have friends and family who will be supportive and help me when I need it. Not everyone is so lucky.

One of my hopes for this blog is that it will enable me to see the silver lining, to focus more on the better things in life.