I struggle with this blog. This should be obvious from the single post which has been edited, deleted, reposted. I keep trying to start over, to say something new, but it never really comes out right -- or at all, really.
I am unsure of how to present myself in places on the web where I am unknown. This is not to say that I am well known anywhere, but there are places where people do know me and recognize my name, my voice, what I have to say. This is not one of those. I thought that I needed that anonymity. A safety net, if you will. But now, having it, I have no idea what to do with it!
Anonymity is for saying things that you would never put your face or name to. I don't know that I have anything to say that would ever be so shameful. Some might say that anonymity is for soul-baring, but I don't think that's true. Even if I did, I'm not sure I'm capable of baring my soul anymore (if I ever was).
It seems that, despite being one who is deeply immersed in words, I have lost the art of communication. I can write in circles all day about how I feel without ever really saying anything. What's more is that I cannot (or maybe I will not) explain it to the real, live people who really need to know. This is especially important in relationships.
I fail at relationships. Maybe it's because I don't know how to communicate. Maybe it's because I'm selfish. Maybe it's because I'm neurotic or just outright crazy.
I met a boy a few months ago. A rather nice boy. I'm fairly crazy about him. I have no idea what I'm doing with him though. I think we're both scared out of our wits of the idea of commitment, yet we can't seem to stay away from one another. I decided last night that I wouldn't think about it anymore. I refuse to over-analyze it for one more second.
I'm very good at over-analyzing things. I over-analyze things until there is nothing left of them and I've forgotten to enjoy them while they lasted. This not-relationship will not be one of those things. If it does end, I want to be able to say that it was good while it lasted. I want to be able to say that I savored every moment, even the drunken, dramatic ones. I want to be able to think of drunken kisses that brought me to my knees in the middle of a gravel road and smile. And so I will not over-analyze it. If I see him, I see him. If I don't, I'll just be stuck missing him.
I am used to being disappointed. I am waiting for this boy to disappoint me. I have had a lot of conversations about self-fulfilling prophecies lately. It seems that I am a master of them. So pessimistic that I will the worst to happen, maybe.
Not this time. This time, I will believe that I will see the boy. I believe that we will have many more happy moments, drunken or not. I may not go so far as to hope for Happily Ever After, but I also will not go so far as to be certain of its impossibility.
In knowing this boy, I hope to become the girl who bends instead of breaks. I hope to evolve. I hope to let him change my life in some grand way. He may not see himself as a life-altering kind of boy, but I see his potential. He is truly beautiful. I may not fall in love, but I do love him.
In just over a month, he has imprinted himself on the part of me that does not let go. If the day should come that I do not see him again, I will remember him fondly and I will smile. If this should have to end, I will not let it end bitterly because in the weeks that I have known him, he has helped me reclaim a happier side of life that I have not known in years, despite my myriad pretendings.
I am rambling. But they are happy, hopeful ramblings. I will live. I will laugh. I will love. Maybe someday, I will fall in love. The true, deep sort of love that does not let go. The true, deep sort of love that will not let me go. But if I don't, I will have these happy, hopeful ramblings and these smile-evoking memories of this quirky boy who plays video game themes on an out-of-tune piano in the back of a bar.
Should this not last forever, I will have these moments. I will have these memories.
