Fear and blessings.

I’m scared. Scared out of my wits. This is not something I ever admit to readily. And it’s certainly not something I want to admit to right now. Not when my life is in total upheaval. Not when everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong (knock on wood!). I know that I’m supposed to be all about bright sides and silver linings right now, but … it’s hard.

I feel it necessary to point out that my current state of distress is actually admirably low when you consider my myriad anxiety disorders and depression issues (I probably owe this to the meds). But I know it will get worse before it gets better, because despite my best efforts, I am not a “bright side” sort of person. Things are just never that shiny. And I’m afraid of that, too. I’m afraid of sinking into depression or walking around in a constant state of anxiety and not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. Because, sooner or later, maybe I won’t be able to, right?

But then, I close my eyes and take a deep breath (because that’s what they tell you to do, right?). And I remind myself to count my blessings. I can’t pray or “put it all in God’s hands” or anything like that. I’m too much of a control freak and, honestly, not religious enough (a discussion for another time). But I can count my blessings. I can remember every beautiful gift that I’ve been given (or stumbled upon by happenstance).

And right now, I am reminded that, even though life is scary and I may want to just give up, I have three little furbabies who depend on me for safety, comfort, and love.

Libby, Roxas, and Turbo.

Trying Again.

Making another attempt at starting this blog, at saying something meaningful. It’s been almost a year since my last attempt, and perhaps I’ll make some “real” progress in 2010. I make no promises, but I will try (and I say this despite Yoda’s disapproval -- ‘do or do not; there is no try’).

I’m at a turning point right now. In three weeks, I’ll be unemployed for the first time in three years. The company I work for has shut down our facility and laid off nearly seventy employees from this location. I am luckier than most since, due to my position, I get to keep my job for two weeks longer than the majority of the employees. Technically, I don’t even have to work for most of the remainder of my employment. It’s almost like paid vacation, except that unemployment is looming in my future and I don’t even know where to begin with remedying that situation.

Don’t misunderstand me. I do have employment options, but they will pay significantly less than what I’ve grown accustomed to in the last few years, and I barely make it on my current salary. Rural Louisiana is not an employment Mecca in the best of economies, and this is certainly not the best of economies.

I will find a job though, because any job is better than no job at all. And I will hope that my roommate finds a better, steadier job because if/when he does, we will be just fine. Most importantly, I will keep my chin up. I’ll put one foot in front of another, and I will keep moving forward.

I will do the best I can, and when my greatest efforts are not enough, I will be thankful that I have friends and family who will be supportive and help me when I need it. Not everyone is so lucky.

One of my hopes for this blog is that it will enable me to see the silver lining, to focus more on the better things in life.

Optimism

I struggle with this blog. This should be obvious from the single post which has been edited, deleted, reposted. I keep trying to start over, to say something new, but it never really comes out right -- or at all, really.

I am unsure of how to present myself in places on the web where I am unknown. This is not to say that I am well known anywhere, but there are places where people do know me and recognize my name, my voice, what I have to say. This is not one of those. I thought that I needed that anonymity. A safety net, if you will. But now, having it, I have no idea what to do with it!

Anonymity is for saying things that you would never put your face or name to. I don't know that I have anything to say that would ever be so shameful. Some might say that anonymity is for soul-baring, but I don't think that's true. Even if I did, I'm not sure I'm capable of baring my soul anymore (if I ever was).

It seems that, despite being one who is deeply immersed in words, I have lost the art of communication. I can write in circles all day about how I feel without ever really saying anything. What's more is that I cannot (or maybe I will not) explain it to the real, live people who really need to know. This is especially important in relationships.

I fail at relationships. Maybe it's because I don't know how to communicate. Maybe it's because I'm selfish. Maybe it's because I'm neurotic or just outright crazy.

I met a boy a few months ago. A rather nice boy. I'm fairly crazy about him. I have no idea what I'm doing with him though. I think we're both scared out of our wits of the idea of commitment, yet we can't seem to stay away from one another. I decided last night that I wouldn't think about it anymore. I refuse to over-analyze it for one more second.

I'm very good at over-analyzing things. I over-analyze things until there is nothing left of them and I've forgotten to enjoy them while they lasted. This not-relationship will not be one of those things. If it does end, I want to be able to say that it was good while it lasted. I want to be able to say that I savored every moment, even the drunken, dramatic ones. I want to be able to think of drunken kisses that brought me to my knees in the middle of a gravel road and smile. And so I will not over-analyze it. If I see him, I see him. If I don't, I'll just be stuck missing him.

I am used to being disappointed. I am waiting for this boy to disappoint me. I have had a lot of conversations about self-fulfilling prophecies lately. It seems that I am a master of them. So pessimistic that I will the worst to happen, maybe.

Not this time. This time, I will believe that I will see the boy. I believe that we will have many more happy moments, drunken or not. I may not go so far as to hope for Happily Ever After, but I also will not go so far as to be certain of its impossibility.

In knowing this boy, I hope to become the girl who bends instead of breaks. I hope to evolve. I hope to let him change my life in some grand way. He may not see himself as a life-altering kind of boy, but I see his potential. He is truly beautiful. I may not fall in love, but I do love him.

In just over a month, he has imprinted himself on the part of me that does not let go. If the day should come that I do not see him again, I will remember him fondly and I will smile. If this should have to end, I will not let it end bitterly because in the weeks that I have known him, he has helped me reclaim a happier side of life that I have not known in years, despite my myriad pretendings.

I am rambling. But they are happy, hopeful ramblings. I will live. I will laugh. I will love. Maybe someday, I will fall in love. The true, deep sort of love that does not let go. The true, deep sort of love that will not let me go. But if I don't, I will have these happy, hopeful ramblings and these smile-evoking memories of this quirky boy who plays video game themes on an out-of-tune piano in the back of a bar.

Should this not last forever, I will have these moments. I will have these memories.